Why does it feel like every guy is jumping out of the bushes directly in my path and wanting attention that I haven’t time to give? Summer hasn’t even started yet! Lord have mercy, sometimes I wish I never had to grow up. My mom says in many ways I still seem like a teenager (and she means that in a good, positive way – and I agree). I don’t really feel 22. I mean, in a way I do, of course, but for the most part, I’ve realized there’s so much I’m still not ready for, not ready to embrace, not ready as a person.
Falling in love again is one of them.
I’ve decided to put off the romance, especially since I’m in the moment of the my life where I’m developing myself and finding ‘me’. I mean this also in a good, positive way. For truly, as a Christian, I don’t believe in centering everything around myself in a selfish way, to where I’m the focal point in my life. Heaven forbid! I mean, that as a person, I need to find my path. Focus on my dreams and work on pursuing them and not bothering to wait around for a man to make me feel like my everything. I don’t believe such a thing exists anyways…
I’ve come to no longer believe in fairy-tales. The Cinderella story, though a favorite of mine, isn’t realistic and nothing will ever be ‘happily ever after’. I find it a foolish notion. However, despite the fact that fairy-tales aren’t realistic in the real world, I can’t help but love them anyway. They are my childhood and are such lovely stories (most of them), and I find them to be a great way of teaching children morals and lessons.
So! I’ve focused on accomplishing all the things I’ve been wanting to do for so long, but have put off. They are things such as: perfecting my art (both sketching and painting), and slowly working on art for a book I’d like to publish. It’s not a novel, but a book of poetry. It would be a dream come true to publish it with my own artwork that I made inside, and to let others around the world read it.
Another thing I’ve decided to do is take extra better care of myself. Not that I wasn’t before but what I mean is, buy and do more things that make me happy. When I was in the travel-mindset, I became very stingy with my money and practically NEVER bought anything I wanted or needed – every penny went to going back to Europe. So I didn’t get out much (other than going to work) so that I wouldn’t burn gas in my car and could save money by not paying for more gas. I would also never get out and go shopping for clothes, shoes, etc… I still limit it now, as I view such things to be materialistic and would rather not build up a huge collection of these things. And I’m fine living like this and it worked out that I saved so much money- I was able to go back to Europe in early 2016.
However, because I have gone so long without certain things, I am realizing that I have to invest in certain necessities… like a new wallet, for instance. I love my current wallet but it’s on its last leg. I’ve had it for nearly 4 years now and it’s looking like it’s twice as old. I would also like investing in self-care products like better make-up, more lotions and bath-time stuff, or hair products, etc. Even eventually, if I can save enough money, I’d like to start purchasing more health food and concentrate on maintaining a healthy, nutritional diet. For now, I’ve begun to go to the gym several times a week and workout at home as well. And I’m feeling great!
It’s making these changes that help me to feel better as a person. And while I believe in loving other people, one must make time for themselves. One must love oneself. It’s so important. If this is neglected, how are you supposed to be your best self to help others?
And now that I’m beginning to spread my wings, I don’t need a silly man to wander in my life right now and distract me from things that are important. Especially a man, who only is after one thing. I find myself behaving a bit like Scarlett O’Hara from ‘Gone with the Wind’. She loved male attention (and so do I – What woman doesn’t?) and would flirt and be friendly to the men who would then shower her with compliments and buzz around her like flies on honey. But did she fancy them? Heavens no. Silly men. When will they ever learn?
And I don’t have time for a boyfriend right now, nor for a spur of the moment, wild and short romance that wouldn’t last more than a month.
I have goals to meet and dreams to achieve. There are places to go, people to see and adventures to be had… 😉
p.s. This is not to say that I don’t ever want to have a serious relationship or be in love… but my heart is cold and I’m not ready to go down that path again. Perhaps I never will. For now, I simply live and embrace my life with the Father above guiding me.