Why does time have to fly so quickly?
I can’t believe my time here in Colorado is already drawing close to an end. And yet, since I arrived here to work my seasonal gap program semester… how far away it feels. It feels as if ages have passed, even though it was barely 4 months ago. I remember coming here with high hopes as I anticipated what lay ahead. I knew that I would enjoy my time here. I didn’t know that I would make such incredible memories. Through pictures I saw the beautiful mountains of where I would be living for 4 months. I didn’t realize how majestic and breathtaking they would be, and how free they would make me feel once I climbed up top. I had a feeling I’d meet a lot of nice people while I worked here. I didn’t know that many of these people would become lifelong friends, and that I would miss them terribly.
I have less than a week left and it kills me to know that my time here is over and that I will be separated from my friends for a very long time.
It is both blessing and curse to work at places/jobs such as the one I have had. You meet so many amazing people, only to be torn away from them a few months (sometimes weeks or days) later. And there’s never 100% full certainty of ever seeing them again.
And I tend to have this fear of being forgotten about…
It is one reason why I journal: so that I will never forget those precious moments life gives me. So that even if I do forget, I can always look back through the pages of my journal and read about them…maybe relive some of them. Making pictures and videos are great, but there’s nothing like writing about thoughts and feelings I’ve had; or of things people have said to me…. you know. All those moments in time that are not captured by a camera.
Life here in Colorado has been beautiful. Interesting and beautiful. Challenging and beautiful. Hard and beautiful. At times, sad and lonely… but still beautiful. Wonderful and beautiful all the same. And I will miss it here. I will, in a way, miss working at the Y, for it here that so many wonderful memories have been made. Where I’ve had so much happiness given to me, where I’ve laughed a thousand times time my insides nearly burst, where I’ve shed tears but have been comforted like true friends who have stayed by my side, even on the difficult days. I have loved and loved again, when I had thought I never would or could before I came. My heart has become softened again. Cautious and careful all the same, but no longer cold.
I’m leaving a piece of my heart behind here in Colorado; especially in Estes Park… I will always miss it. Even though I plan on returning, I know I shall never be able to have what I’ve had these months I’ve been here. I can never get back this time. These people. These days. They will be gone forever and I’ll have are the memories.
Ah, ….change… why must you bless me so well, but also torture me all the same? Why do I welcome change with open arms, and at the same time, hate it?
I have often wondered, these past weeks since I’ve booked my return flight, “Am I really making the right decision?” I lay in bed thinking about it. I’ve thought about it one too many times at work or while I’m hanging out with my friends. Even now, I wonder if I should’ve stayed a bit longer.
And I dread the goodbyes. I have a love-hate relationship with them. I always say I hate them. To myself and to others. But deep down, I would hate not saying goodbye all the same. It would feel weird to just leave without any last words of farewell or any hugs and tears. As hard as goodbyes are, it feels wrong to not say goodbye.
Even if it kills me.
And I know who’s going to be balling their eyes out on the plane.
I can easily picture myself arriving at the airport, getting home late at night and looking about my room and feeling lost in thought… lost in emotion.., perhaps even dead for a minute. Completely dead and numb…
That’s the trouble with caring too much. Of opening one’s heart up to other around you. Of loving other people.
It shreds your heart just the same.
Yet I must push through. I must have hope. I must stay positive and keep my head up.
I have many other friends to visit, all of which I miss terribly.
And of course… there are a great many adventures still to be had.
I mustn’t hold back and be afraid.
I am merely turning another page in the story I’m in… and entering a new chapter in my life.